Openness and Adoption
with Guest Expert Toni Williams, manager of minority adoption programs at Spence-ChapinGuest: My son's bdad wanted pictures. I have sent him pictures a couple times. I have gotten no response and I don't even know if he still lives in the same place. He never gave any medical info. What info I have about him was from my son's bmom. Do I still continue to send pictures even though I don't know where he is or if he is there? My son is 4.
Toni: What's your contact with your son's bmom?
Guest: Open adoption with the bmom. It was open as in addresses and such and phone numbers but we opened the adoption up to visits when he was about 2 and have had about 6 or 7 visits now.
Toni: I think that's really up to you. The important thing is to keep possible communication-info lines open for your son's sake.
Guest: I spend a lot of time telling him about him, and sent him a huge packet and hate to just waste my breath. It would be nice to know if he at least received it.
Toni: Does she know where bdad is?
Guest: She used to but has not seen him for a while. He was not going to be there for her.
Toni: It's like talking into a dark well. Families get frustrated and angry with no response.
Host: Could you send it registered, with a receipt so he has to sign for it?
Guest: I hadn't thought of that. Good idea. I can try that, at least then I don't have to feel weird about some stranger getting the packet.
Toni: Families tell us they try to recall why they're reaching out and keep a record to share their efforts with their child when older. Point is - you're trying, doing your part as a parent. That's what counts. Like the life book that you may have kept during the adoption process, just some way of recalling your efforts to reach bdad.
Guest: Well I have not tried lately but feel bad about it, even though we have not gotten the consideration of even medical info. I will do the registered letter thing, then I don't have to feel guilty about not sending photos.
Toni: And ask him to respond in your letters. Tell him how important it is and why.
Guest: I don't think my son needs to know when I try to contact him does he? I am not sure I understand.
Toni: No, he doesn't. But if you never hear from his bdad, it may be important that he know you tried.
Host: In the packet, you could ask him to answer some simple medical questions - even send a form that he just has to fill out.
Guest: He had the form. I have asked for some simple info, no response. I know that he did not want to raise a child. But I also know that he loved him as he did cry when he was signing papers at the hospital. I just am not sure what he wanted. Just photos and no contact? Why can't he at least send the medical info?
Toni: We've see this often: when bparents seem unable to respond out of guilt, shame. It doesn't solve the need for info but it happens often enough.
Guest: He has other children by 2 other women and does not have anything to do with them either. This is what I was told. So it seems to be a pattern.
Toni: Sounds like it may be. So, it's not too surprising... sad but not surprising. It may help to keep your end goal in mind: medical info for your son's sake. Even among our families and friends we sometimes have to deal with resistance and stubbornness.
Guest: I guess I don't want to push him. I do not understand why he can not give info. But if he won't respond and has had 2 chances to fill out the medical then I doubt he will now. I know he did receive the first request as it came from the lawyer and it was his correct address at the time.
Toni: No false hope but often birth parents emerge years after the placement - when they're in better position, etc. You're certainly doing your best for your child. When we're committed to being parents, it's hard to comprehend another mindset.
Page 1: Opening RemarksPage 2: What is Open Adoption?Page 3: Contacting BirthdadPage 4: Getting Medical Info from BirthdadPage 5: How Does an Agency Work With Expectant Moms?
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